The Ultimate Guide to KILLING it on Hive (Part 1 of 37)

in #hive4 months ago

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Ahhhh. The How to guides for newbies.

They have always been a popular subject here on Hive. They never go out of vogue. Indeed, as the active user base decreases, stagnates goes from strength to strength, we seem to get more and more of these easy earners invaluable guides.

I felt that perhaps it was time I weighed in with some incredible advice from my many years of blockchain boogying on how to truly kill it here on Hive.

Read on for guaranteed MILLIONS! of vests...maybe... or not


What and When should I Post?

Post often. People love lots of posts from one author. It induces a Pavlovian voting response in them and in time they will shower you with votes. They might not all be uppies but hey, attention is attention, right?

What should I write about?

There are many opinions on how to carve out your niche. Be yourself! Write what you know about is the advice from many.

Well, fuck that. You ain't got time for that shit on your way to becoming a crypto millionaire. Why bother writing about yourself and your own interests when you can just grab some random content from Coindesk, badly reword it and insert a shitty picture of a Lion at the top!

Or if crypto isn't your thing, blag a random recipe for good living from somewhere on the net and copy-paste it along with a nice close-up picture of a raindrop on a leaf at the top of your post or even a pile of pebbles on a beach.

It never fails to excite. Honest.

Receiving Comments

Sometimes one of your posts may get a comment from another user, although this is exceedingly unlikely, it can be annoying when it happens. Some people say that you should respond to comments from other users but if you do respond, you run the risk of encouraging them to comment more. So, it is best to ignore them and if they comment repeatedly you can always mute them.

Writing comments

Whilst answering other peoples comments is widely seen as a tawdry activity akin to stirring a pot full of hot shit, making comments on other posts is an absolute requirement when climbing the giddy heights to Hive glory.

This means you should comment and comment a LOT.

Start with the Trending page. Drop a comment on all those hugely popular posts.

Good comment examples include.

Nice Post - everyone loves to hear how nice their post is.

I follow you now - people love knowing they are being followed. Except for my ex-girlfriend, she fucking hates it for some odd reason.

Good morning dear. The old-timers on the platform love this. Who doesn't love being called dear? Especially when it is a creepy moustachioed man with an erection that is saying it.

Going Tribal

So, we all know that people come to Hive to talk about Hive but you might not have known that there are communities on Hive where you can talk about other things?

For example, we have LeoFinance where people come together to talk about LeoFinance.

Or StemGeeks where you can post all of your plagiarised respun well thought out content inspired by something you read on Techradar.

We even have communities dedicated to Charity such as Project Hope which through clever means seeks to enrich all of its users with votes if they pay it money. I think they might need to double check the definition of charity though...?

The choices are endless, so start browsing and joining communities that catch your eye, now!

If that sounds like too much effort, just use their tags and collect all of the monies. Using another front end such as PeakD is good for this as it allows you to spam input up to 10 tags

Who doesn't love a tag spammer?

Wait, did I say use another front end?

Why yes. Yes, I did. So let's talk alternative front ends and by that, I don't mean the infamous dark clam.

But wait, it seems we are at the back end of this post so the front end talk will have to wait till the most splendid Part 2...

Tune in next week for Part 2 of The Ultimate Guide to KILLING it on Hive

To all those who have lovingly created many useful guides for Hivers. Please don't take this post as a dig. We love your work. This post is more of an anti-guide taking the piss out of the behaviours of the bad apples that arrive and demand it all and demand it now.

Sort:  

I wondered if you would ever write a post that explained how you got to where you are today XD

And here it be!! In all its part one out of thirty seven glory!!!!

Where will this journey take us, where will it go!!! ;0)

I know several people who do this. Don't forget to mention to boost the saturation on the stolen photo so you don't get accused of plagiarism.

Oh man, that's right! Some of them crop it, throw in a bit of HDR and boom they think they are onto a winner!!

Sometimes one of your posts may get a comment from another user, although this is exceedingly unlikely, it can be annoying when it happens.

Please annoy me. Thank you.

Ignored!!!

Shit, I'm rubbish at this! :0D

You KILLED me. Hahaha. :D

Then I can rest easy with my post! KILL COMPLETE!

By the way, have some !PIZZA.

Connect

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@meesterboom! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @xplosive.

Learn more about $PIZZA Token at hive.pizza

I fucking love PIZZA! I need to get me some of that!

!BEER


Hey @xplosive, here is a little bit of BEER from @meesterboom for you. Enjoy it!

Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your BEER.

Great info as always sir.

I used to be @jacobts in hive and steem.

I have moved to @allthemoneys

Just saying howdy 😃
All the best!

Yo dude!! Why the move?

Not that you need a reason of course :0D

I follow you now!!

Howdy!

I moved because a few abusive trolls I couldn't shake. People from the past demanding I send them money for whatever reason. No threats, just demands.

They can still find me, just made it harder.
All good. Stay safe! Good to hear from you! Hope all is blessed 😊

Posted via D.Buzz

Motherfunkers! Ah well, you did the right thing. Hope all is well with yu too. I'm good. For now! :OD

As a total newb, I found this post informative (a "what not to do") and hilarious!

Good morning, dear. I follow you now. (Did I do that correctly?)

Haha, oh yes indeed. You did it perfectly!!! :0)

I wrote this in response to the many many how to succeed posts. They are quite ridiculous in number!

Hi @meesterboom , Let's start, I publish every day, let's continue with your advice and see how many I do, in the post I wish I didn't have to say anything ha ha ha, I am of few words but here I have to write and write, I am a mysterious man ha ha , ha, I love reading and I read the post to comment, because sometimes they comment on something that has nothing to do with the post, the truth is almost always ha, ha, ha, but I read and it's the important thing, that's why you You give me huge votes, I read and laugh all the time reading your post, followers I have some, but I prefer to continue, hey and not your ex girlfriend ha ha ha, I hope the next part and your advice to become a millionaire in hive .
A big hug and I love to follow you and hey don't follow me ha ha ha,I follow you, I have more fun, some post I make would make you cry and I don't want that

It sounds to me like you got it all going on and it's all going on just right!!!!

I am glad you are getting a laugh, it's the important thing!!!

I mighta laughed equally as much at that dude as I did you.

Hey did I read that correctly? The soccer game up there or football or futbol or dammit!! The one where they kick their balls around in cute little shorts but don't touch their balls with their hands, that game. Geez!

Tie? Really?

It really was, that thing where they play with balls but don't touch balls except with their feet or boobs. It's very confusing but it was a tie!!

So post 37 times a day, call people dear, plagiarise, and inject zero effort. Check ✅

I'm hoping part two endorses blurry photos, and begging on Discord for upvotes.

Funny post dude. Nice one!

Hehe, cheers man.

Sadly that checkbox seems to be it for a lot of em! Motherfunkers wouldn't know effort if it came up and said hello dear!
Now for another 36 posts to meet my daily target!

Sorry, I'd love to reply to this comment but I'm too busy crafting my 37 posts for the day...Hmm, maybe I should just use dbuzz and make it easier to post absolute bubbling hot shit.

Dbuzz!! I forgtot about that! Probably because I have been unfollowing dbuzzers like the plague. It is the cauldron from which all hot bubbling shit flows, without a doubt.

I know right? They're like vegans too, they get so mad, and entitled, when challenged...So funny. So bubbly-hot-shit.

I love people when they get challenged and they suddenly exhibit all of the behaviours that they have been accusing others of, dicks!

Lol...Typical asshole behaviour.

It can be fun to watch... For a short while at least :0)

I've been doing it wrong all this time for fucks sake!

Can't wait to see all 37 parts and then I can collect all the cash monies 🤑

Seriously though, nice post. Followed.

Good morning dear!!!

36 posts to go and greatness will come for everyone!!! :0D

Lol! Yoohoo dear! Your tea is ready! What is that calling everyone "dear" all about anyway? I feel like I'm talking to my Nan when I see that in comments haha!

It's a weird thing. I remember the first time some dude said goodnight dear in a comment to me and I was thinking are you fucking taking the piss!! He kept doing it and I had to ask him to lay off the dears. It totally is like a Gran thing!

¿Nan? ...you cold MoFos living in a fridge up there in the north!!

You actually should live for a good while in a cool warm place close to the equator of the planet to always be wishing to be called dear while they stamp a wet kiss on your mouth and simultaneously are suffocating you with a strong and tight hug in bikini to know better about some lovely idiosyncrasies.

Hey if a hottie like that was calling me dear and nuzzling at me with some kisses, I think I would be a happy man. After all, it is bloody cold in the North!! :0)

Oh! and never forget the hugs. The suffocating strong and tight hot hugs. :)

I have a funny feeling that I will be remembering the idea of them for a long time!!

I received a 'dear' even today!! GRRRRRR!!

image.png

And, I must say, it IS my countrymen that says that the most, but as you can see, from many other parts of the world too, and its not that all of them were Queen's Colony! LOL

C'mon Kaonashi! Are you by chance Venezuelan?

¡WTF! who would have imagined it!!

and how come you are a Martian?

and how come you are a Martian?

Haha well, everybody here already knows I live in Cydonia.

Hehe, that one is ok because the dear came first!! That's not so freaky as a straight up, hello dear that makes me run for the hills!

@meesterboom no need to run for the hills. Over here in my lovely warm place near the equator you only must be wary of those who friendly also offer you a beer or two. Because maybe all they want is get you drunk and then do you what no God might know.

I can say the use is more than likely unintentional. Most only really want to say, 1

Yes, definitely unintentional but still amusing. And creepy the first time you see it. You cant help but look around you in alarm

It cut me off... what U was going to say is I think they mean hello, dear friend. List in translation and quite creepy, even for me.

Ah, that makes much more sense. Yeah, it's creepy creepy as funk!!

Hey, @meesterboom.

Ah, the old reverse guide to killing it on HIve trick. The farce within a farce. Tour de farce. In your farce! Wait. I may have lost control of this comment.

In my very humble but completely over inflated opinion, we need more of these kinds of helpful guides, and less of the other. :)

Hahaha you cut right to it. The reverse guide, it is ost definitely that. I totally agree and think we need more like this and less of the other. In fact if there were less of the other there wouldn't be this!

Oh, well, in that case, bring on the other so there's more of this! Wait. That probably wasn't the point... :)

It's amazing, though, how we need Batman to get Joker, and vice versa.

Totally. Sometimes I think that we can be too scared/reluctant/mad to point out things here and at certain times they just need a good poking!

We do need to lighten up a bit. Considering all that took place last year, just with STEEM/HIVE, let alone the whole outside world (pandemic, political upheaval, disasters, financial crises, etc.), we're probably shellshocked, but we've become way too PC. One of the best ways to point out truths is to make fun of the insanity.

I completely agree. I think there has always been a struggle to say anything that could be construed as out of step but in the past at least people used to occasionally go for it. Recently though and perhaps it is the struggles of the last year, people have just been singing the same old song about growing their account and recycling the same old twaddle about freedom and decentralisation and the random prices of coins. It doesn't seem very free and liberating when no one points out any of the bad. Even humourously!

Nope. I've tried a little bit of doomsdaying, and it didn't go anywhere. However, I failed to inject any humor into it at all, so maybe I'll try again.

10 Things That Will Be Better When The Great Reset Happens!

Why Vote Farming On HIVE is Essential to the Whole Blockchain Ecosystem!

Help Yourself: It's The Only Way To Go!

Shhh! No Marketing Means More For Me!

Still Waiting For the Zombie Apocalypse? Wake up! You're Living In It!

Hehe, see what you can get away with under the cover of humour!!!

I particularly like Shhh! No Marketing Means More For Me! :OD

  • find incredibly intelligent posts from the internet - check ✅
  • rearrange it with own vocabulary or not - check ✅
  • repeat the same 48 times a day, 2 post per hour - check ✅
  • comment with only the highest of all complements... Nice Post - check ✅
  • tribes hmm wait... only greet with "good morning" "good night" and an occasional hello and no reply necessary - check ✅

48 times a day. Thats the stuff! That is how you become a Hive killing machine! The votes will fly! :OD

Yes, that's the recipe to achieve greatness

I have so many questions
Do I have to call you a dear?
Instead of nice, can I write ok? lesser effort
How are replying to comments, if you've muted us?

Thank you dear!!!

Yes. Ok will suffice as long as you most definitely say dear.

A good point. You are all muted. I cannot see a thing. My comments are blissfully empty. I am at peace. If you can see comments or me answering them I can only have been hacked again. (That excuse never gets old!)

Oh my God! I almost had a heart attack reading this...hahahaha...until I understood that it was a joke and sarcasm for those who think that here it is a copy, paste and "kill" as you say and we also say in Venezuela.... Very ingenious and for this, you won me as a follower... And made the crazy ones: I follow you and you follow me? hahahaha...just kidding, just kidding...I'm not one of "those"... 🤣🤣


Oh Dios mio! Casi me infarto leyendo esto...jajajaja...hasta que entendí que era broma y sarcasmo para los que creen que aquí es copiar, pegar y "matar" como tu dices y también decimos en Venezuela... Muy ingenioso y por esto me ganaste como seguidora... Y hechos los locos: te sigo y me sigues? jajajaja...es broma, es broma...no soy de "esas" 🤣🤣

Hahahaha, I am glad you noticed the jokey humor in it and didn't think, this man is mad!!!

I have followed you because I am following the instructions I have written above!! Woot woot!! :OD

I thought I'd become a Crypto Millionaire by sending you the smallest possible transfer of hive and in the comment, including my URL for you to review.

I was thinking about adding the wallet transfers. That is truly the way to crypto millionaire-hood!!

Lol, this is the opposite of what one should do on hive even though most of the example given are already been practiced by some persons. You always amaze me with your content😂

It is indeed quite the opposite. Maybe I should put a big disclaimer at the bottom :0D

Please don't, its funny to see the replies the post generate. Waiting to read the next part

There are some nonreading believers that have quite amused me!

That's the fun of it, some read and don't still understand and its no one's fault

Lol. Indeed. It all adds to the comedy!!!

That's right

I’m a bit fearful now of commenting!
But fuck it!

Nice post, dear

Your ascerbic wit cuts through every time
How far into your cheek does your tongue go?

Ps.how do I tag spam my comments?

My cheek is bottomless!

I think Fuck It is always the best attitude when in doubt, lol!

TAg spamming comments is easy!! #tag #spam #FTW !!!

Yeah if you can, post non stop about some random crypto. The site needs more of that.

Or to really go big, post about Hive and crypto. That is sure to score. Just like on Farcebook, doesnt everyone post about Farcebook?

Moahr random crypto!! Moahr Hive and Crypto!! YEah!!! Lets grow this place to funk!! ;O)

Hi @meesterboom… I have chosen your post on “-The Ultimate Guide to KILLING it on Hive (Part 1 of 37) -” for my daily reblogging initiative - vote and comment...
Dudas-+.jpg
Let's keep working and supporting each other to grow at Hive!...

Why thank you very much!!!

Never ever post often.


Posted via proofofbrain.io

But you must! It's in the guide. That's how you kill it!! ;0)

Good evening dear, nice post. I follow you for years now, I think you should shower me with many, many votes. I do prefer the uppies though, if it's all the same to you.

Follow me plz! Resteem! Ehm, wait, retweet! Ehm... Rehive?

RESTEVE!!! that's what we say when we suffer from PTSD flashbacks from the dark place!!

I shall bless you with the uppies!! Follow me back and we win together!!! :0D

Yes! I like to win! Not to lose. Losing is for losers.

Losers only know the losing game. Keep well down that's what I say!! C'mon the winners!!!

I think it's a very helpful post and much needed guidline for new bies. Thanks dear.

Oh yes!! This is the path to glory, may you never misstep!!! :0D

🤣🤣 I certainly hope she got the point

You owe me a new sarcasm detector. Fucking thing exploded into all kinds of springs and cogs and shit I don't even have names for. You have three days.

In three days I will have you it. I have the cogs. I am good for it.

You have 1 hour to signal your acceptance

I did not fuck myself out this deal because I thought it would be wise to be sleeping.

Three. Days.

You will have your damned machine. I just have to pop to the center of the earth for something I left there first. Three days should cover it. Perhaps. Maybe

The clock's ticking.

So that's a good sign. That means it's working. My sarcasm detector though...

Yeah yeah, I'm talking to a guy it's cool

It's NOT cool. I've been taking everything seriously for nearly one whole day now, and sticks are starting to look like things I should be shoving up my ass!

Didn't Jesus says something about an ass and a bunch of sticks? Or was it dicks, fuck. My scripture knowledge is awful

That was hella funny, yes true from a sarcastic point of view, there are some statements that rang true to a point. This is still a world class blockchain, and compared to centralization, I dont know of anyway to be as free as I am on Hive!

oie_3gDKHk3OAys3 (1)~2.jpg

E04tK9EXMAEfa54.jpeg

Sarcasm, moi?

;O)

But yes, there is a lot of freedom here. I know I am glad to be free of the centralised non chain socials!

The sarcasm was fresh, i intentionally bite my tongue which isnt what I do off chain, on Hive, Im on a special mission that when im on the Hive Blockchain it's only positivity and good vibes, I have intentionally fractured my Centralized Existence from my Decentralized world and I make my decentralized life everything I wanted in the centralized world, I have never been happier!

So the newbies should wait for 37 days and get all the episodes and kill themselves 😁 Nice one, may be we need a thread reader app at the end !!

Hehe, they would be doomed indeed if they followed these tips!!

A thread reader would be handy, it's not displaying properly on my phone anymore!!

Love the sarcasm.
For real just engage with people on HIVE, be a decent human and be vaguely interesting.
People love art, and when someone does something for them out of the kindness of their heart. Find a project that looks cool and work on it in a decentralized way. That's what I've been doing with art, making little art pieces for the cool things I find around HIVE, giving it to the creators of said programs.

!LUV
!PIZZA

People do love at and they love interesting things.

I think the number one rule from hive should basically be, don't be a dick...

But that would have been a short post, lol!!

Connect

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@meesterboom! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @amphlux.

Learn more about $PIZZA Token at hive.pizza

They might not all be uppies but hey, attention is attention, right?

Bwahahahahaha I should downvote this for making my eyes water

Hehe, can't all be uppies - I did giggle when I wrote that :OD

You forgot...

  • Check the wallet size of other peeps and only follow them if the are massive... ignore everyone else.

Otherwise.., that was quite concise, I can't wait for part 2.

Oh that's right!!! I missed that. Those are the worst, I mean the best of folk. Follow the big wallets and ignore the newer smaller accounts like themselves. Twats!!

Sir, Can I follow you? Let's grow together...

You are even more scary than me with that mask, I forbid it!

I just don't have a face that's all. I ain't scary!

Killing it ,... like feeding it poison . ;-)


Posted via proofofbrain.io

Lol, yes indeed!!

Why bother writing about yourself and your own interests when you can just grab some random content from Coindesk, badly reword it and insert a shitty picture of a Lion at the top!

Knew I was doing something wrong, dear!

untitled.gif

Good morning dear!! Quick, make it right! ;0)

Oh my I laughed with tears... Dear. Lol. This is indeed the ultimate guide for what not to do. Your humour never disappoints, I needed a good laugh, thanks!
P. S. Nice post😂😂

Cheers m'dear!

I can but hope that the advice within will be taken up by hundreds! LOL!

This is incredible. Mind-blowing stuff. I clearly have to re-think my entire approach now that I've absorbed the sage wisdom here.

Oh wait...

I meant to say...

'nice post, i follow you now' 🤣

Thank you dear!

Oh yes, there are many wisdoms here. Of course they should only be followed if you want to KILL it!! :0D

Thank you dear!

That mainly works on old people, I thought. Yet why do I feel such a glow upon reading it? Hmmm.

Yes, all the wisdoms for killing it!

Maybe if I used these tricks on my post yesterday it'd be performing better, lol. 🤣

The word 'killing' fits in very good with the advice hahaha

Lol. Totally! Can you imagine someone following this for real. They would be mighty angry with me

If I see how few young people can think for themselves lately I will not be surprized if a get a rude note one of these days hahaha

Totally. It is quite disappointing how people cant think for themselves these days and even worse assume that they can and are doing so!

Ugh I really want to vote for your posts but apparently I am too poor hahahaha

Lol, you can call me dear and that way everything will be alright :OD

Mmmm comments, comments, and more comments... Ok, I'm commenting... Thanks for the tips.

Comment, comment your way to glory!!!!

Nice post😅😅

Winner!!!! :D

Thank you 😍

You're a funny guy, I love funny. Upvote and comment. I already follow you, I have taste.

Funny is always better than death! Guaranteed! I follow you because I love your bio description!

Great advice dear

said without an erection

I follow you now - people love knowing they are being followed. Except for my ex-girlfriend, she fucking hates it for some odd reaso

This part cracked me up.

Following you ( on Hive that is ) and set notifications for the 36 follow up posts.

Always glad at the lack of erections!!

Cheers dear!! also no erections

Cool. Sarcasm at best. Is it worth $ 100? It will fall even more down on this bear ... I'm waiting for the next dose of sarcasm anyway ... 😎

Fine sarcasm is worth 10 million dollars!!! Am I being short changed? ;0)

I had no idea that I wasn't posting enough! Thank you dear! I even shaved my mustache today oh, so that is a legitimate dear. I have a few blurry photos that are begging me to put them up. I've been known to get a dollar or 3 for using Peakd... :)

I hope to get this right so I can grow!

Gotta grow! Its grow grow! Lol, I am glad you are going to up your game and post like a crazy ;O)

I'll post one for one with you!

Lol, hope your looking forward to an easy life :oD

LOL Come on man! Let's do this! :))

Now that I feel like I'm starting from scratch, I may need to take these guides more seriously. This place isn't all too kind to old minnows. Gotta get those dears cocked and my mustache ready to go!

BTW, Nice post dear.

Lol. Yes, this place is brutal to minnows and OGs alike. I am wondering if there is a time for a user where it will just feel good!

So, thank you dear!

I'm just happy knowing my old chums are doing well on here. I can rest easy at the back of my steed as we gallop towards that sunset.

I believe as they say, it's all relative!!! :0D

It's nice to see you back though dude. Let the steed ride!!

Just taking it all in and going with the flow, bro-hammer!

Haha this post is so true it makes me laugh and sad at the same time

Thats how I felt when I was writing it. :o/

Very nice guide man!

It was very informative and also made me laugh here and there ;)

Cheers! Waiting for the next one. 😊
!BEER

Glad to have raised a laugh! And cheers for the beer!! :0D

Nice Post

Wahahahaha! That's how it's done!!

Sorry i couldn't resist 😅

Lol, I loved it! :0D

I love the strike throughs. The advice is definitely needed especially by newbies like me, actually I had stopped checking all many guides on how to make millions on HIVE 😂. Working on my commenting game I currently have none!

Nice post!

The commenting game is defo where its at to raise your profile. When I started I commented like a maniac. I was in the top ten for commenters at one point. Now I am older and lazier, lol.

Hehe, I did a nice post animation once :OD

Nicue+post.gif

Lol, how the commentator is oblivious of the hammer is hilarious. I can't wait to get to that state, where I am the bearer of the sledgehammer 😂, right now it feels like HIVE holds it, I write and just walk away, the hammer coming down on my ass.

One day you will be flinging that sledgehammer! But never forget, give will always have it too. At least that's what it feels like :0)

Thanks for sharing your valuable thoughts it will be great help for newbies. Plus I think following top Hive users is another important part of growing on hive. After all its good to learn from the best like @meesterboom😊👍

My dear, you are absolutely welcome!! It is a pleasure to impart the wisdoms! :O)

Well this is my last message I ever write to you DEAR...😁😁😁

I uphive you!! Click my twitter!!!

Loves ya baby :0D

I beg you pardon, its been a while any man has asked me to click on there anything 😳😳

Sometimes if you don't click it for long enough you can forget how and that would truly be a tragedy!

Yeah I think I am at the not touching stage, prefer not touching LOL

I have always been said to be an optimist. So you could of course just watch!

Watching is something I can do :)

Hehe, that's the stuff!!

Nice post dear.

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭

That's all I would've said. I swear I wouldn't have said another fucking word! But I missed this post or ignored the shit out of it, one or the other, DieBitch (brought it to my attention)!

Hahaha!! I world have taken the nice post dear 🤣🤣

I would have ignored and post also that was hive blah blah blah!!

Me thinking that this post was serious only reading the title just to realized that all was a Joke:
image.png

I was hoping that the post would look almost serious! ;OD